BBBBBBBbbbbbblllllloooooogh...

Life can be so strange. I"m baffled sometimes, thinking of the billions of people on this earth, each with their own unique perspective, life experiences, joys and pains...

But before I get too far, let me just slap a quick qualifier on here: this post is going to be a whole lotta nothing substantial. Or maybe lots of little substantial tidbits all sewn together...one way or the other, I feel the need to pin down a section of the multitude of floating thoughts all meshed together in my head, and somehow a (VERY) public forum such as an unsecured blog on the internet appears the best way to do it! LOL!

I remember growing up, that there were things I just knew I was going to be someday: an actress, a veterinarian, a black belt, the first female baseball player for the Oakland Athletics (the team choice...had to do with the team colors. Devoting yourself to a team because they have an appealing logo makes a lot of sense to an artistic kid under the age of 10), a singer, a missionary, a camp counselor, a professional skier, a painter, a firefighter....and so many other things. Two things impacted my aspirations greatly: TV, and meeting someone who I liked, who held a certain profession. The second I recognized someone doing something well and really enjoying it, I became convinced that I could do the same thing, exact the same enjoyment. No matter what it was! A florist, a chef, a conductor (oh yeah; I was convinced I was going to be one of those child prodigies who had their own symphony all ready to wow the general public)

Fast-forward to today: I am one of those things. I'm a singer. The older I get, the more I realize how much I feel like I'm stepping into the specific role that God created me for when I sing. I want to make uplifting, inspirational music that stirs people's hearts to aspire for something greater and bigger than themselves, not music that highlights and even exalts the base things of this world. I don't know about you, but when I hear "uplifting, inspirational" music, I think of soft beats, ethereal tones....like Enya or something. That's not what I'm talking about. I want my music to address everyday issues that are so real to people. To embody the sadness life can bring, and then to offer the reminder that hope is alive.

Sometimes I feel like singing is the only thing that anchors me to this chaotic world. I feel like it's a valid and practical contribution that I can make. I'm glad for the way God created me, though I know He's got a looooong way to go (balancing the checkbook might be my next step...I don't know the last time I actually did that).

I used to thing it was the hard knocks that took away all my other aspirations, until I realized how much I truly love to sing. There's more I'd like to do with my life, however. I'd love to be a mommy some day, for instance. However, even at the age of 26 I feel ill-equipped for the task. I'd like to be better with money matters. I'd like to stop letting my past experiences hinder my present witness. I'd like to wake up every day, commit that day to the Lord, and walk forward in confidence in Him. I'd like to feel comfortable, not self-conscious, around people I haven't met (this comes to mind especially because I'm trying a new church tomorrow. I love my CC Gainesville, but the new move has put a hearty distance between us. So I'm off to check out the First Assembly). I feel like a lot of these things need to be in play before I can even consider bringing another life into this world.

Sometimes I feel like life is going to slip away from me. I think of the trillions of people who have tread this earth before me; what do I know of them? What will others know of me when I pass? Will it even matter that I was here? Oh, vanity of vanities. I often feel the anguish Solomon seemed to pour out in the first part of Ecclesiasties, and I have to remember that he found meaning in life, after all. I just want to leave some kind of tangible mark, and I feel like I'm on the slow track, attempting to angle myself in the right direction to do it.

In the end, it always comforts me to remember that God is good, and His plan for me is just as specific as it can be. Sometimes I think of God's plan as stealing away my identity, instead of utilizing me along with His other servants to accomplish His will. I'm still a little stubborn, I guess! God teach me...

There are so many other thoughts in my head; I think this suffices for now, though. Otherwise this might become a tangent so long, even I won't want to spend the time reviewing it in the future!