Thursday, January 28, 2010

Life and Death and All the Dogged Deep Thinking that Goes Along With it...

Long enough title for ya?

So, maybe understandably, I've been contemplating things in a much more serious tone as of late. My contemplations tend to be just as tenacious and unrelenting as the rest of me, so it's difficult for me to ease off until I can carve out some kind of solution, or at least get a better picture.

Since Alisha's death, every pain, ache, or abnormality, is instantly cancer. I even had a physical, asking the Doc to be extra careful to check for signs, had bloodwork done...the whole gamut. I know it's psychological, I know! And I'm getting past it. But not without a struggle.
I know it may sound like I'm a late-bloomer, but I finally have a tangible grasp on the utter finality of death, on the fragility of life, and the necessity to care for oneself properly. Before, I would diet and eat right because I like fitting into my skinny jeans--now, I eat my fruits and veggies because nobody is gonna eat them for me, and I wanna be healthy. Is it wrong to care so much because I'm now compelled by negative reinforcement? Honestly, I'm not sure. However, finally I'm making some headway into the psychological turmoil.

Anyone who hasn't, should read "My Dream of Heaven" (also known as "Intra Muros") by Rebecca Ruter Springer. I read it years and years ago, and though the visuals were impressive and magnificent, it's only now that the full value of the book truly compels me. In brief summary, a Christian woman is deathly ill, and being cared for away from her family. She is in intense agony, and one day, by the anointing of the Holy Spirit, finds herself resting in God's peace and comfort. Since there are 3 weeks left until her husband and son visit, her departed brother in-law comes to her room and offers to bring her to Heaven, so she can escape the pain her earthly body is feeling, with the promise to return her to her body in 3 weeks time.

Before you write that off as being new-agey, check it out! A number of accounts credit it as being a true and factual retelling of actual events. There are many hypotheses, and maybe even similar stories. This one, to me, holds weight and thus I attentively consider its content.

Anyhow, it reminds me of the way Alisha, a few days before her death, told her husband John, "I wish you could know what this feels like", referring to the peace and comfort she was feeling in God's presence-as though she already had one foot in Heaven, and the rest of her was preparing to depart.

I'm starting to think that the jump from life to death is not as cataclysmic as I once thought. In fact, I never before noticed how much death is like being re-born: in the womb, you are being prepared for everything in the world. You are given eyes to see, a mouth to speak, ears to hear, nose to smell, and all the internal workings...but you don't really use them until birth. You find yourself accustomed to pitch dark, and there is no need to breathe air. Once you are born, you cannot ever again re-enter the womb. No one remembers their own birth (I don't think anyway), but how big a jump to go from pitch darkness and muted vibrations, to bright light, varied colors, loud noises, strong smells...So I wonder if Heaven is the same. Once we shed our earthly bodies, our senses are again re-opened to "true living" (Which reminds me of another part in the book, where Rebecca describes seeing 'new' colors never before visible to her human eye, and swimming deep in a lake while harmonious notes pulsed through the water, and never once feeling the need to come up for air--can you imagine? It seems impossible!)

Of course, I constantly consider in great anticipation, the unhindered relationship with Jesus that Heaven brings. I guess I'm just now considering what that means for the rest of me too.

2 commentos:

Anonymous said...

恨一個人,比原諒一個人,更傷力氣。 ..................................................

Anonymous said...

This is a beautifully written post Lacy. You are an excellent writer. Please write more.